Saturday, April 10, 2004
Not really in the mood to do this but if I'm going to do a diary, then I've got to make the effort. Kettle's boiling. Cuppa tea time as Colin Britt used to say...
That reminds me. It's a joke being called Colin. There was a drama on TV about right-wing activists recently and there was this specky anorak who was into browsing the net for extremist web sites and info on making bombs. His name? Colin. How original. Give us a break!
But I digress. First appt with Dr C today. Went quite well. Wasn't sure about him at first but by the end of the hour I reckon he'd figured out what sort of state I'm in. He reckons anti-deps are a good starting point and I'm ok with that. Got nothing to lose. So he gave me a note for Dr Scott which I put thru the letterbox at the Health Centre. It's crazy that he can't write me a prescription. Good old NHS red tape.
Phoned mum who gave me a bollocking for getting drunk and making stupid phone-calls to them. She didn't sound like she wanted to hear any explanations or excuses so I just sat and took it. She and dad have every right to be angry. How would you feel if your son was a mess like me?
I've decided that I need to take control of my financial situation. I don't want to be relying on hand-outs from P+M. Being dependant on them just makes me feel less in control of my life. How is that going to help me get better?
The good thing about going back on medication is that I'll cut right down on the drink. Probably cut it out for a while. Can't carry on enjoying myself like this! ;o) It's no joke. Drank far too much on Thursday. Funny thing about mum asking if I've been binge drinking - I felt like saying, yes I have, since I was 18. Sad but true.
Song of the Day : Gethsemane - RT.
"How did the perfect world get so confused?"
That reminds me. It's a joke being called Colin. There was a drama on TV about right-wing activists recently and there was this specky anorak who was into browsing the net for extremist web sites and info on making bombs. His name? Colin. How original. Give us a break!
But I digress. First appt with Dr C today. Went quite well. Wasn't sure about him at first but by the end of the hour I reckon he'd figured out what sort of state I'm in. He reckons anti-deps are a good starting point and I'm ok with that. Got nothing to lose. So he gave me a note for Dr Scott which I put thru the letterbox at the Health Centre. It's crazy that he can't write me a prescription. Good old NHS red tape.
Phoned mum who gave me a bollocking for getting drunk and making stupid phone-calls to them. She didn't sound like she wanted to hear any explanations or excuses so I just sat and took it. She and dad have every right to be angry. How would you feel if your son was a mess like me?
I've decided that I need to take control of my financial situation. I don't want to be relying on hand-outs from P+M. Being dependant on them just makes me feel less in control of my life. How is that going to help me get better?
The good thing about going back on medication is that I'll cut right down on the drink. Probably cut it out for a while. Can't carry on enjoying myself like this! ;o) It's no joke. Drank far too much on Thursday. Funny thing about mum asking if I've been binge drinking - I felt like saying, yes I have, since I was 18. Sad but true.
Song of the Day : Gethsemane - RT.
"How did the perfect world get so confused?"
Thursday, April 08, 2004
Thursday. Lunchtime. French wine. Pork Pie. Avacado. Say Cheeeeese.
This is shaping up to be a spectacularly bad week. Wish I could go away to a nice hospital somewhere, where I could be looked after. But no. It's all care in the community these days. You'd have to push a complete stranger under a bus before they put you away, these dayz.
Long email from sister today. Giving me a bit of a bollocking which is probably what I deserve\need\could do without (delete as you want).
"I hurt myself to let pain out". Manic Street Preachers.
Found a nice web site. Bit of soft porn helps pass the time. One of the young women looked like the daughter of a friend of mine. Makes you wonder what the relations think - their offspring posing in the nude.
S & K went off camping yesterday up north. Got a txt saying they were by a roaring fire eating choc pub and custard. Wished I was there!
Watched The Matrix again. What is reality? Who knows? Who cares? I do wonder about the PVC gear Trinity wore in the film. So sexy. So fit. Probably lusted after by dykes as much as guys.
"Enjoy Yourself, it's later than you t'ink"
Enjoy Yourself, while you're still in the pink" The Specials.
This is shaping up to be a spectacularly bad week. Wish I could go away to a nice hospital somewhere, where I could be looked after. But no. It's all care in the community these days. You'd have to push a complete stranger under a bus before they put you away, these dayz.
Long email from sister today. Giving me a bit of a bollocking which is probably what I deserve\need\could do without (delete as you want).
"I hurt myself to let pain out". Manic Street Preachers.
Found a nice web site. Bit of soft porn helps pass the time. One of the young women looked like the daughter of a friend of mine. Makes you wonder what the relations think - their offspring posing in the nude.
S & K went off camping yesterday up north. Got a txt saying they were by a roaring fire eating choc pub and custard. Wished I was there!
Watched The Matrix again. What is reality? Who knows? Who cares? I do wonder about the PVC gear Trinity wore in the film. So sexy. So fit. Probably lusted after by dykes as much as guys.
"Enjoy Yourself, it's later than you t'ink"
Enjoy Yourself, while you're still in the pink" The Specials.
Tuesday, April 06, 2004
Today started off ok. I was gonna go into town and get a new pair of trainers but mum phoned and she wants me to do all this stuff on the web re their motoring holiday in Europe later in the year... coz I've nothing better to do.
So I did some of that instead, had the 6th bottle of Stella and then went to the pub. 3 pints of Guinness, came home, had late lunch of sausages, tomatoes and bread and feel like I've had enough.
Am supposed to be going to Sam's before we go to S&As. No energy.
K phoned last night and told me that mum has been seeing her GP coz she gets tired very easily... and it's my fault for being down when she phones. Oh thanks very much for that. Makes me feel so much better.
Come As You Are - Nirvana.
So I did some of that instead, had the 6th bottle of Stella and then went to the pub. 3 pints of Guinness, came home, had late lunch of sausages, tomatoes and bread and feel like I've had enough.
Am supposed to be going to Sam's before we go to S&As. No energy.
K phoned last night and told me that mum has been seeing her GP coz she gets tired very easily... and it's my fault for being down when she phones. Oh thanks very much for that. Makes me feel so much better.
Come As You Are - Nirvana.
Monday, April 05, 2004
Rather unpleasant dreams last night. Caused me to wake up at one point. I went to bed early last night – around 8:30. Hadn’t felt too good during the day. Highlight of the day was watching the GP from Bahrain. Mum phoned a couple of times in the morning. She was typing a letter for dad re my aborted treatment at Fernbrae. Dad feels the invoice should be withdrawn as I’m in a worse state now than how I was before my one and only appt with PF.
Not really my concern, or at least, there’s no point in me worrying about it. If I’d just stayed on the NHS waiting list, I’d probably only have a few more weeks to wait for my first appointment. But I’ve only a few days to wait before I see the next therapist. What gets me down is having to repeat the whole story over again to someone new. This will be the third time this year. First to Dr N, then PF and now SC. Maybe it’ll be third time lucky. If this doesn’t work out, I don’t know what I’m going to do. But I have to put in the effort. The only person who can really cure me is... me. I’ve got to want to get better.
Sam phoned last night just before I went to bed. She had a bad drive up from the NE but is here now with K. I’ll hopefully be up to going out tomorrow to Sally’s b’day party.
One day at a time.
Kicking off today with the White Stripes.
Not really my concern, or at least, there’s no point in me worrying about it. If I’d just stayed on the NHS waiting list, I’d probably only have a few more weeks to wait for my first appointment. But I’ve only a few days to wait before I see the next therapist. What gets me down is having to repeat the whole story over again to someone new. This will be the third time this year. First to Dr N, then PF and now SC. Maybe it’ll be third time lucky. If this doesn’t work out, I don’t know what I’m going to do. But I have to put in the effort. The only person who can really cure me is... me. I’ve got to want to get better.
Sam phoned last night just before I went to bed. She had a bad drive up from the NE but is here now with K. I’ll hopefully be up to going out tomorrow to Sally’s b’day party.
One day at a time.
Kicking off today with the White Stripes.
Sunday, April 04, 2004
The church bell rings non-stop for about 5 minutes summoning the faithful to worship. It’s like an alarm clock that the whole village hears, regardless of whether we’re church-goers or not. I was awake this morning before it started but last Sunday I’d had a bad night’s sleep and the hour went back. I was in a deep sleep when it started so that got the day off to a bad start.
But last night I slept better, though still awake during the night. Some strange dream caused me to wake up. Lots of dreams last night. Maybe I should have a separate blog for them but them I can’t always remember them.
Bits from last night included :
- my neighbour coming home early from her ski-ing holiday with her leg in plaster.
- My sister picking me and a few of her friends up from an airport. We stopped at a shop and one of the others bought a bottle of wine some of which we drank in the car.
- Another dream was about Winton (the large house I lived in as a kid).
- And there was another bit which featured a woman who looked like Kylie.
- Something about being in a wood with some building in the middle of it – a church? Can’t remember.
Very active sub-conscious. I’d had a bath at about 7, then went to bed for a couple of hours. Thought about what I’d say to the new shrink. Stuff about (ab)using alcohol to create physical symptoms of the depression. Reminded me of what happened several years back. I was in quite a state then but Dr B just told me I was over-reacting and sent me on my way. Not what I needed. You go for help and the door is slammed in your face. Like with P.F. at Fernbrae.
Felt sick due to the lager I’d had earlier – kept burping it up. Got up and had some soup and a roll and felt better but went back to bed. Couldn’t sleep. Listened to the radio incl the cricket. England beat the Windies over there, first time in over 30 years.
Feeling pretty tired this morning. But the sun is shining so I should go out somewhere today. The police have parked up by the main road – it’s a race day at Crail so we’ll have all the young loons coming through the village.
But last night I slept better, though still awake during the night. Some strange dream caused me to wake up. Lots of dreams last night. Maybe I should have a separate blog for them but them I can’t always remember them.
Bits from last night included :
- my neighbour coming home early from her ski-ing holiday with her leg in plaster.
- My sister picking me and a few of her friends up from an airport. We stopped at a shop and one of the others bought a bottle of wine some of which we drank in the car.
- Another dream was about Winton (the large house I lived in as a kid).
- And there was another bit which featured a woman who looked like Kylie.
- Something about being in a wood with some building in the middle of it – a church? Can’t remember.
Very active sub-conscious. I’d had a bath at about 7, then went to bed for a couple of hours. Thought about what I’d say to the new shrink. Stuff about (ab)using alcohol to create physical symptoms of the depression. Reminded me of what happened several years back. I was in quite a state then but Dr B just told me I was over-reacting and sent me on my way. Not what I needed. You go for help and the door is slammed in your face. Like with P.F. at Fernbrae.
Felt sick due to the lager I’d had earlier – kept burping it up. Got up and had some soup and a roll and felt better but went back to bed. Couldn’t sleep. Listened to the radio incl the cricket. England beat the Windies over there, first time in over 30 years.
Feeling pretty tired this morning. But the sun is shining so I should go out somewhere today. The police have parked up by the main road – it’s a race day at Crail so we’ll have all the young loons coming through the village.
